Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
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My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
#Thanos #MondayMood
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.