doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
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me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.