We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
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This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
c’mon!
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Denise please return my vape pen
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”