Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
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I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
me hooking up with my ex
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Who knew!