Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
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Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.