grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
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The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Bloody internet 😳
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
“just sayin” who asked you though?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him