My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
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True.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I wish I could veto my bills.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness