a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
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Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers