Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
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my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
This was a bad idea all around
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My dog learned how to text
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.