You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
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WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
“what that mouth do?” complain
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.