I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
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My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I think we should hear other voices.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
How animals would run if they were human