ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.