interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
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it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.