I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
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ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Worst bar ever.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*