I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
You Might Also Like
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti