I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
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Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT