It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
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Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.