When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
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You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶