People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
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Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
They did not miss in the small print
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.