I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Looking at you, Jesus.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
TRAIN’S HERE
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah