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So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”