Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
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I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
screw you
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?