flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
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[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”