The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done