I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
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My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
The news
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain