I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
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Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Coffee for people with no kids
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?