judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
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Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
<—- homeless romantic
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Called it
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I need a headline like this
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.