I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
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It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.