Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
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Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Watermelon Boss!
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Cndnsd Mlk
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market