sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
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*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.