I have obtained a hat
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Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this