My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
You Might Also Like
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
umm…
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.