I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
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Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
#CoronaOutbreak
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”