Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
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My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.