*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
You Might Also Like
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.