I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
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I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what