[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
All generalizations are stupid.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I think my mom just blocked me
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.