Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
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Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.