As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
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Bike is short for Bichael.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Duolingo getting serious.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal