Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
You Might Also Like
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.