Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
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me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My favorite type of men is ramen.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.