My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
You Might Also Like
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN