If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
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obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.