I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
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everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
This hospital has everything
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
what day is it?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?