My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
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Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
HELP 😭
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.