professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
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i wish we could shoplift online
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
😍😂🥰😂😍
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
one of
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*