Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.