9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
When you kidnap a writer.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
🙂🐾
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”