*seductively eats two tums*
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Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who