Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Cheer up.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*